If you want to communicate more effectively, listen to people’s language; what modality are they speaking?
When someone tells you he “sees where you’re going with this,” or “it looks like a challenge,” then you know you need to communicate with this person in visual words.
If, on the other hand, she talks about “sounding concerned about this issue,” or “hearing what you’re saying” then you can tell she is auditory.
Finally, if he talks to you about “feeling on top of the problem” or “sensing there’s a concern there” then you’re dealing with a kinesthetic individual, and should respond accordingly.
Getting in sync with the person’s style and body language is crucial. Nothing is going to break up whatever rapport you’ve built like treating people in a way they don’t want to be treated.
People gravitate toward those who they feel are speaking a similar language. And we know 90% of initial communication is non verbal (55% visual, 38% auditory and 7% content). So when we mirror and pace the other person it can cut out a great deal of the normal time it takes to build rapport. And when we get in sync with their way of addressing the world, we’re already way ahead of the game.
An additional way to strengthen rapport is by putting on your hero glasses; see what people are doing right. It’s all too easy to see reasons why we don’t want to bother wasting our time building rapport if we think she’s a jerk, or he doesn’t deserve my attention, or similar thoughts. But that won’t get what we want.
Getting the results we want often means using our “X-ray” vision and seeing through the negativity or difficulty with this person to the potential, the possibility, what’s right about the person. The more we stay stuck in our righteous mode, the longer it will ultimately take to get what we want.
I recently finished a seminar and one of the attendees spent the whole time talking about how absolutely rotten her boss was. No matter what we discussed, he was always the Monster Boss. I’m not saying he was a saint, but this attendee could only see how dreadful he was, and she had no intention of changing her view point or attempting to build rapport under any circumstances. She was miserable, but unwilling to make any concessions to get what she wanted. She would rather be right, and a martyr of sorts, than work effectively with this person. How can someone expect to make progress with this attitude?
Finally, if you can shed the need to be right you’ll eliminate the sort of attitude that will block rapport. When we get firmly entrenched in our righter-than-thou mode, then we’re missing the opportunity to reach someone, to build rapport, and consequently to manage people more effectively. By leaving our egos at the door rapport-building always goes more smoothly.
Best regards,
~ Jennifer
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